I seem to be writing more blog posts since the Coronavirus pandemic hit, and you’d think it was because I was stuck at home. But I’m an artist. I’m always stuck at home. The reason I’m writing more posts is because I’m beginning to feel like the narrator of a dystopian parody, and so I have to write it down.

After my last post, the government did half the things I suggested, so I guess it’s time for another Covid-19 rant (let the swears begin).

Disaster struck today, and my happy shut-in lifestyle has been bombarded with shopping nightmares because apparently everyone in the world has adopted my lifestyle, whether they want to or not. The most noticeable disruption was that my usual supermarket delivery was sadly lacking in essential items like washing up liquid, teabags and toilet rolls.

At first, I followed the media explanation by blaming the panic-buying craziness, which I’m sure has some truth to it, maybe… But it’s not the only reason for these shortages. Delivery trucks full of toilet rolls are stuck at the borders. Food and produce deliveries aren’t going out due to a lack of drivers. Drivers are getting sick, or they’re staying home because they aren’t being given any safety equipment.

Shops are selling toilet rolls instore, but not delivering them. WTF? Why are stores still even open. We need more online services, not less. I can get toilet rolls right now if I go to a store. However, call me crazy if you like, but I don’t want to risk getting infected in a supermarket just so I can wipe my arse.

Why aren’t delivery drivers being given hazmat suits or protective clothing? Why aren’t more drivers being hired and sent out as emergency services (which at this point, they are)? Why aren’t companies like these massive supermarkets protecting their drivers and hiring more ASAP? Why are home deliveries ALL shut down?

They shut down food delivery instead. That’s not a food shortage. It’s a denial of service. Are they trying to kill people?

Maybe going out is not an issue for most people. But in my household, we pretty much have a 7% chance of dying from Coronavirus for one reason or another, so we’re not going out. But the supermarket wants us to go to their store for toilet paper because of ‘reasons’… Fuck that.

Also, how is opening a store early helping the elderly? Coronavirus hovers in the air for three hours, and it stays on hard surfaces for up to three days, so it doesn’t really matter what time of day you let old people into your virus-riddled store. It’s still going to kill them. You might as well herd them into a gas chamber.

You help the elderly by delivering to their doorstep, and then staying the fuck away from them. You make sure they have enough disinfectant and a mask. You close the stores and open up delivery for everyone to stop the spread of disease. It’s not rocket science, for fucksake!

But yeah, blame the customers who bought too much. Of course, it’s not the fault of shitty border logistics or under-staffing. It’s those damn people who want to wipe their arse. Those utter bastards!

It just sounds like bullshit excuses to me. I don’t blame people for buying toilet roll. I’ve been buying twenty-four toilet rolls every month for years, and the supermarket didn’t shut down because of it. Except this month, where I was denied any, even though I ordered it five days ago, and it’s my usual order.

A few days shortage is expected. However, people getting so desperate that they’re flushing t-shirts down the toilet and blocking up sewers because they don’t know how to wipe their arses anymore is a national emergency that should not be happening. Supermarkets should be delivering toilet rolls. The government should be on top of this shit (pun intended).

But we have slacker Boris in charge, who has no doubt fucked off on holiday again because he never thought being PM would mean actual work, so the country will remain knee-deep in shit until someone takes his place and gets the country working again.

And I never thought this would be the subject of a political debate, a pandemic or part of surviving the apocalypse, but all those movies got it wrong. It turns out that in the event of a global disaster, your greatest horror will be your own shit…

So, I guess I’ll be rationing the toilet paper we have for now.

Meanwhile, Mum’s going to have to give up tea, so even if the virus doesn’t kill us all, the world will certainly end due to a small Yorkshire woman going nuclear from tea-deprivation.

Anyway, for those who are staring at their last toilet roll right now and quaking at the thought of having to wash off poop in the shower, do not give up just yet. There are always bad novels that can be used instead (just not mine!)

*Note: DO NOT try the above suggestion with an ebook.

Good luck, and take care of yourselves.

I hope we all meet again in a brighter future soon.

Leave a Reply